One of the most common concerns couples bring to therapy is: “Why does my partner not want to have sex?” This question can feel isolating, confusing, and even painful. When one partner has a stronger desire for sexual connection than the other, it can create feelings of rejection, resentment, guilt, or shame. But the truth is, desire discrepancy is incredibly common and very treatable.
In this post, we’ll explore some of the common reasons partners may experience a drop in sexual desire, pitfalls to avoid when trying to “fix” it, and how sex therapy can help couples reconnect emotionally and physically.
Understanding Desire Discrepancy
Desire discrepancy simply means that one person wants sex more often than the other. It’s not a sign that something is “wrong” with either partner, it’s just a difference. Most couples experience mismatched desire at some point in their relationship.
While it’s easy to jump to conclusions (“They don’t love me anymore,” “There must be someone else,” or “I’m not attractive”), the reality is often more complex. Here are some common contributors to lowered sexual desire:
Possible Reasons for Low Sexual Desire
- Stress, burnout, or overwhelm (work, parenting, caregiving, etc.)
- Mental health concerns, such as depression or anxiety
- Trauma history or unresolved relationship wounds
- Hormonal changes (pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, aging, etc.)
- Medication side effects, particularly antidepressants and hormonal birth control
- Body image struggles or shame about sexuality
- Unaddressed resentment or emotional disconnection in the relationship
- Neurodiversity or sensory processing differences
- Sexual orientation or identity shifts that may be unfolding
- Sexual scripts that don’t feel good (e.g., feeling pressured, rushed, or bored)
Sometimes the low-desire partner feels broken or guilty, while the higher-desire partner feels rejected and frustrated. These emotional loops can feed disconnection and defensiveness if not addressed with care.
Pitfalls to Avoid
When desire differences show up, many couples fall into common traps that make things worse, such as:
- Keeping score: “You owe me because I did X for you.”
- Interpreting ‘no’ as personal rejection: Which creates shame cycles.
- Initiating sex with pressure or obligation: Which can decrease desire further.
- Avoiding conversations about sex entirely.
- Trying to ‘fix’ the low-desire partner instead of exploring the system.
These patterns can quickly spiral into emotional distance. Instead, think of desire discrepancy as something between you, not within one of you.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
Working with a sex therapist can help couples untangle the deeper layers behind desire mismatch. A trained professional can help both partners:
- Understand their own and each other’s sexual needs
- Unpack beliefs, fears, and communication blocks around intimacy
- Learn to reconnect with sensuality and pleasure without pressure
- Navigate different libidos, attachment styles, or sexual preferences
- Build new, shared definitions of sexual connection
Real life Example:
Emily and Sam came to therapy after Emily had turned down sex multiple times over the last six months. Sam felt increasingly unwanted, while Emily felt ashamed and confused. In therapy, they discovered that Emily had never really explored her own sexual desires, had been struggling with postpartum body changes, and was experiencing painful sex; something she hadn’t felt comfortable sharing. Therapy gave them both a new language for desire and helped them create gentle, playful, non-pressured ways to rebuild intimacy.
What You Can Try at Home
While therapy can be transformational, there are meaningful things couples can do on their own, too:
- Open up a judgment-free conversation: Instead of “Why don’t you want to?” try “Can we talk about how we both feel about intimacy lately?”
- Focus on non-sexual intimacy: Hand-holding, cuddling, eye contact, laughter: all forms of closeness count.
- Create a “yes, no, maybe” list: Explore what kinds of touch, activities, or contexts might feel good for each of you.
- Schedule connection time: Not necessarily sex, but time to be present with each other, undistracted.
- Explore sensuality together: Shared baths, massages, dancing, or simply laying close in silence.
- Check in about external stressors: Sometimes desire is low because of things outside the relationship.
When to Seek a Therapist
If this issue is creating distress, resentment, or ongoing disconnection in your relationship—and especially if it’s hard to talk about without triggering conflict—a sex therapist can help. You don’t need to be “in crisis” to benefit. In fact, many couples say they wish they had started sooner.
Look for a therapist trained in sex therapy, ideally someone who is comfortable talking about a wide range of identities, experiences, and preferences.
There Is Hope
Low sexual desire doesn’t have to mean the end of your connection. Many couples who work through desire discrepancy not only rekindle their physical intimacy—they also build a deeper emotional bond. Sex can become more attuned, more fulfilling, and more joyful—especially when both partners feel safe, understood, and empowered to explore.
One More Real Life Story
Jordan and Alex had been together for over a decade. Jordan’s desire had declined over the years, and Alex felt like they were roommates more than lovers. Through therapy, they realized they had stopped sharing affection because they feared rejection. Therapy gave them tools to reconnect emotionally and physically in small, safe steps—starting with holding hands, sending flirtatious texts, and making intimacy a priority in a playful way. A few months in, they reported feeling “like teenagers again.”
Final Thoughts
If you’re in a relationship where sex has become a source of tension, know that you’re not alone—and you’re not doomed. With compassion, curiosity, and sometimes a little outside support, couples can transform sexual disconnection into deeper intimacy.
Desire doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be real. It can be cultivated, nurtured, and rediscovered.
If you and your partner are ready to explore this journey together, Embraced Therapy is here to support you.